Dreams to Agree

I’ve come to realize one of the mistakes along my journey of growth. I’m here to share that mistake with you, and note every journey is different, my mistake might be what makes you or break you. Here it goes.

In the past, I found my self explaining my self, it felt natural to explain what I am doing out of courtesy. At the same time, in the back of my mind I did not enjoy having to explain my self, and I didn’t quite understand why I did that. One day, I was watching a movie and the same scenario came into action and the person responded, “you know you don’t have to explain your self all the time right?” It caught her reaction and she felt relieved to hear those encouraging words. Suddenly it hit me, I’ve been doing the exact same thing for as long as I remember to be alive.

Where it stems from is none of my concern, but rather what concerns me is that it happened for so long. Now that I’m able to reflect back to those times, I suddenly realize how detrimental that is. The feeling of having to explain my self all the time to people that I could care less felt such a burden. As if I was seeking for approval and justify my action through a third party.

This is where my lesson comes into the light, having to explain my self caused me to not believe in my own actions and having to justify them through a third party made me feel as if it was an indication towards whether or not I could do something.

For instance, upon making a decision that would impact my life, I would ask my intimate surroundings whether it was ok to do such thing. Nine out of ten times, it would result in chaos and havoc, 10 people had 10 different ideas and reasons to why it wouldn’t be a good idea. In the end, I’d always found my self on the ground because it wasn’t agreed upon and what I sought after wasn’t granted.

There came a day when it all broke and the realization I had left was, I have to believe my decisions and in my self in order to progress further into a future where it plays out the way I’d imagine. No person walking on this earth will ever walk a perfect life, there’s no such thing. Everything fluctuate and “wrong” decisions are bound to happen, what’s most important is whether one are able to bounce back from those falls. Every person falls, but what one does when that happens is what determines the outcome of their path.

If I wanted to go north, and every time i drifted off towards east, my job is to make sure I adjust the ship to keep sailing towards north most of the time. By the end of the day, I’d end up further north and closer to where I’d like to go. I’d consider my self as a chronic perfectionist, and for the ship to nudge slightly off meant the world. As time progressed, I’ve learned to adjust and progress in a slow and methotdical way. As long as I progress towards my goal step by step it’s just a matter of time before I get there.

In the end, having to explain my self and justify my action through the eyes of many is simply trying to build a house with 10 project managers simultaneously. It’s a nightmare siting in the waiting room, and there’s no way I’d go back to that place. The liberation of following one voice rather than 10, is a feeling that cannot be painted with words, but perhaps understood through similar experiences.

Wish you the greatest on your journey, cheers!

- Tien