The Hidden Achievements

Looking back into my life, I’d never imagined my self to be the way I am today. I came from the depth of darkness without any signs of life, nor light. Here I am sitting feeling brighter than ever. Allow me to share the journey with you.

Mother - Love & Emotion

This is the kind of person I was, not to blame my parents for anything, but this was my upbringing and my foundation for life. My mother was and is still emotionally in her youth, she’s abrupt and have no self control when it comes to emotions. As harsh as that might sound, it’s the truth. I don’t blame nor feel anger towards any of that due to her own background and life. She lived through hard times like the war, hunger, poverty and the absent of parenting.

Just the lack of parenting is hard enough, but to add to the flame, hunger, poverty and war to it all is just an absolute nightmare. After all, she managed to raise 3 kids of her own, and still has a smile on her face and is the most loving mother that I could ever ask for. Yet, in every light lies the absent of darkness, and in every darkness lies the absent of light.

This left me with the knowledge of emotional intelligence to zero, and this was something I had to learn and overcome. I started with no self awareness, abrupt emotional outbreaks, no idea how to deal with my emotions, and tend to run away from every problem to the complete opposite. Now, I manage my emotions rather than my emotions manages me. I know my emotions so well that I can go from anger to calm within a few minutes opposed to days, weeks, years of resentment. Going from lack of understanding, to understanding most situations.

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Reflection

All these “achievements” was never in my radar of “dreams,” and yet here I am accomplishing the greatest of them all, my self. More ideal version of achievements deemed to be materialistic like cars, finances, luxury and things of that sort. However, in my eyes, personal development, challenges, and gains are the true achievements in my life.

Let’s say I did achieve financial gains, luxury and materialistic gains, and I’d be a total asshole, ignorant prick, I’d pass that for someone who’s kind, generous and loving without any luxury, materialistic gains. The question now becomes, which one would I want to hangout with? Someone who’s arrogant and cold asshole, or someone who’s loving and caring?

I’d rather choose to become the person I want first, then whatever comes afterward is the result of that accomplishment. Build a solid foundation, then anything comes on top are able to stay, rather than a sketchy foundation that is built upon artificial materials.

Anyhow, feeling was a language that I did not understand a word of, I had no idea what that was or is. I felt safer behind my ignorance than actually acknowledging what was going on. Yet, here I am talking from my feelings, the word “I” was rarely used, at some point, I wrote in 3rd perspective because of how disconnected I felt with my self and the world. Among these personal achievements, it’s easy to forget and overlook how far one have reached. Striving for other than myself to feel proud is a void to be never filled. The void comes from me in the first place so attempting to fill the void with other things besides myself are never giong to be complete. Only a void, can be filled with what left the void and that piece that left came from me.

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My Father - Dicipline & Hardwork

My father went through a rather drastic journey himself, which is so enlighten to see. However, the foundation he left me came from a man who experienced, war, military, torture, espionage, and information agent. There was no “fun” in his dictionary, it was all dicipline, hardwork, and suffering to harden the iron. His philosophy was, lessons must be learned the hard way in order to grow, otherwise the iron will be brittle.

In the upbringing process, it was rather difficult to grasp these concepts because of the lack of knowledge at the time. However, now looking back into these moments it becomes clear what his intention and love looked like. But, as a young kid, being hit, punished, and limited for freedom is rather a nightmare for a child. A lot of anger and resentment came from this place, and I became disciplined in the process.

If it wasn’t for him, I would have been out of control. I’m a curious and imaginative kid, without any dicipline or structure, I’d run rampant which I did in my teens. Got into a lot of trouble, some with the police, but not serious enough to be in ả instead. So he definitely helped me in ways that I couldn’t even imagine.

These perspectives were not the same a few years back, I’d had so much resentment and anger due to the lack of understanding and knowledge on how to reflect upon these events and feelings. Now that I have grown and acquired knowledge along the way, I feel proud to have gained such perspective.

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Reflection

Again, I was raised by my mother who had the emotional intelligence of a kid, which I do not blame because she never had the time to grow emotionally due to her survival mode most of the time. On the other hand, my father lacked the social and believed he could do everything himself. Most of my teens and upbringing until the age of 29 was pretty much under this light.

I dont recall the exact moment that all of this turned around, but I feel like the quality that allows me to open and change to such ways was my eager to improve my self. I was so set in my ways and stubborn, but I realized being stuck and stubborn left me with one way of seeing the world opposed to the billions. Thus, I threw away “my way or the high way” approach, and rather adopted the “our way and our high way” view instead.

In the end, the greatest achievement I feel so far in my 30’s are the personal ones I managed to accomplish rather than any materialistic gains. The challenges I managed to overcome and become are my proudest achievements.

Until next time friends, stay safe and be well. -Love