Fruit of Loom

A new year has arrived and the energy has shifted. It feels as if the fruits of my labor are starting to come to fruition. Too often does it feel like the highlight of one's life are indeed in the spotlight and not too often does the labor get its breath. Guess it's time to do exactly that.

For most of my upbringing, i've always felt dazed, a haze that never disappeared, and never quite understood what was going on. I moved a lot in my upbringing and constantly shifted grounds. Every year i'd move schools, and move to new locations. Always met new people, and never quite got to make "friends" to say the least. The most rooted i've ever felt was between the age of 11-15 just short of 5 years. But, those were the most stable years of my life it felt like, and still feels like it after 15 years.

I remember those days as if it was yesterday. The classroom the feeling of last days before summer break approached. The golden hued light shining through the classroom, the quiet, the peaceful energy that fills the air. We all knew right after that day, we'd all be gone for 2 months. Summer break meant a mental reset, a time where the world paused for our own endeavors and adventures.

This feeling of being rooted in a place or location is rather difficult to explain, but the closest metaphor to understand this is. Imagine a tree growing up among it peers, and one day, a person decides to take the tree to a different location. The entire rooting system, the connections, the bonds among other trees evaporates in a second. Upon "rooting" into the new environment, it feels different, and everything has to be rewired again. This is what it felt like moving to a new country.

With such uprooting has its consequences, and this is where the shadow gets its spotlight. Ever since the day I moved to United States, my life has been a haze. I never quite grasped reality, and always existed within this weird and strange disconnected internal world. As if a tree could not be rooted, it somehow managed to survive with the mist in the air. To cope with the feelings, I'd spent most of my time in video games to numb the feeling of reality.

Like anything of suppression, it reaches a point where it has to be expressed. Just that occurred in my late 20's. My life took a turn, and all my demons had to be faced head-on. Playing video games in my late 20's bled into other areas of my life. The same behavior I had as a kid no longer served the current state. Every action had its own reaction and it reached a point where it could not sustain itself anymore. As a result, change was the only option. I either, suffered from the consequences, or two had to change the situation.

I simply took charge of my own actions, took responsibilities for everything I personally acted on, and disregarded anything that were out of my own control. These actions were the turning point of my life.

Instead of acting dumb and not being in control of what I did simply because I "didnt know." I apologized, and accepted my mistakes. Owned every part of my mistake and actions. Moved on and attempted to do better and improve.

I accepted the fact that I am a human and just like any other humans, we all make mistakes, allowed me to face reality with grace. Instead of unexpected reality where everyone is perfect and where everyone is expected to know everything, which is not real.

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It feels strange to say, but I know exactly where these behaviors came from, and it's a lot closer than I'd expected. It's exactly from those who created me, my parents. I now see exactly those behaviors in my parents. My father whom does not want to accept responsibilities for his own actions, and my mother whom is a victim bled over to my own character. But, I am the living proof that, how one was born does not determine how one ends.